Shattered Visions

Shattered visions: it is okay if this is what you feel like you’re experiencing after a doctor’s visit. For me, I felt visions shatter that I did not even realize I had for AJ. I didn’t know much about autism, so I was scared. The developmental pediatrician was less than friendly and probably one of the coldest people I have met. She told me of all the challenges and struggles AJ was going to have. Not the best start for me. I still say ‘till this day that if we had a doctor who told us about the challenges but also the strides, I would have felt hopeful and not scared.

I was crying in the car and thinking “What if daycares don’t want him to attend?” “What if sports programs deny him?” “What if he can’t ever leave home and have his own life?” “What if he’s bullied?” “What if no jobs will hire him?” “Who is going to be with him when we are gone?”

I didn’t even know I thought or cared that much in advance about my 1-year-olds future! Heck, I was still excited buying him his monthly toy; not thinking about him playing sports in high school and him being a grown man. I may have not realized, but all those visions were sitting in the back of my head and bam, flew right up the second the doctor brought up the diagnosis process.

This October will make six years since those visions felt shattered to me. I have been open how the first year after AJ’s diagnosis was hard for me. I was stuck. The person I am now wants to say embrace the shatter. The moment I let go and stopped holding on to these worries and concepts that I felt I needed my son to experience, I felt free. I cannot speak for AJ, but I want to say he felt free too.

If we stay trying to put shattered visions back together, we will miss out on the amazing strides that are happening in the present. It consumes you and gives you tunnel vision; it did for me at least.

If I am being honest, I have been experiencing shattered visions since the day he was born. I dealt with mild postpartum depression; we didn’t bond until he was three months, he never laughed or smiled with me until he was five months. I would cry nursing him. I couldn’t even hold him without becoming sad. We had a wall. Those visions of instant mom mode were shattered.

What happened after I stopped trying to be the mom of my shattered visions? I accepted help and became the mom I needed to be for our reality.

I mention this because we all experience shattered visions on the daily. They may be big or small. Many times, we don’t even realize them, and we move along with stride. The same can be done after those tough doctor visits.

I want to emphasize processing your feelings. Don’t shove them down and pretend to move along. Address your feelings, process them, feel them, then move past those shattered pieces.

Visions of AJ playing sports starting at three and finding his love for it? Shattered. What appeared after that shatter? His love for puzzles and amazing memory. We embraced it and his smile was never ending.

What appeared after the shattered vision of AJ having a big group of friends? Me noticing his amazing sense of self confidence, leadership and him just doing the dang thing! I truly wish we were all aware of our true self like he is.

What appeared after the shattered vision/worry of AJ not finding his place in school or being bullied? His teachers telling me he is the class joy, and all his peers love his giggles. He brings that little boost of good to the room. His presence is noticed when he’s absent. The call I got this year saying AJ is starting to have friend preferences.   

What appeared after the worry of AJ needing assistance when we are gone? Me realizing that he can hold his own with the right support and tools. His skill of making his points known to whomever he needs to. He does not clam up, he stands up. This mom can worry a little less.

What happened after the shattered vison of him getting a job? The realization that I can always start a small business with something that he enjoys doing in his name. He can earn his income working there doing something he loves, and we can hire other special needs/medically complex individuals.

Let go and drop the glue. Don’t worry about putting shattered visions together. Toss them in the trash and embrace the new picture in front of you. I promise it feels so good not worrying about those dang developmental timelines and societal norms.

AJ couldn’t handle writing with a pencil at age four. We embraced his needs and accommodated him. Now at seven he is independently writing with a pencil, unassisted, using a slant board.

AJ couldn’t handle friends entering our home at the age of three without self-injurious behavior. Now friends can come over. We didn’t force playdates, we worked on what best fit our present until he was ready for more.

When I stopped trying to do “typical” things with the family, I discovered the beauty of doing things my kids love and enjoy. It’s just as magical and bonding as anything else, even more personal for me.

I know this is an out of the blue blog, but it’s been on my mind for a while. It came to me when AJ was trying to sneak snacks out of the pantry and when I caught him, he started giggling with a sly smile and ran away.

I thought to myself, this is nothing I envisioned after his diagnosis, but everything feels the way it should. That is when I realized that AJ is living an amazing life. By not holding on to how things “should be” we have created an environment that made it possible for AJ to be who he truly is. A giggly, independent, happy, sly sneaking snack machine.

Drop the shattered pieces friends and embrace your now.

Until next blog – Suhay

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