Today I am thirty! Well, I am writing this the day before so technically that’s a lie. I always thought it was weird when someone would put so much weight on an age; now look at me haha. Twenty-nine was rough; point-blank, no sugar coating. That is why it’s been a few months since my last blog. I don’t know why, but knowing I am thirty now and looking back on what the past year has been made me reflect on just how crazy and unpredictable my life has been. I live a very blessed and comfortable life with my kids thanks to all the sacrifice Joe makes for us, but I do feel lost sometimes.
No one really talks about that as we age, at least not in my circle. There is always the stigma of it sounding ungrateful. It doesn’t matter if you are feeling incomplete doing the career you always dreamt of, are a stay-at-home parent, or living the single life grinding for what you want; we all go through periods of feeling uncertain and lost.
My writing is therapeutic and pretty much an open diary. I know there are people out there near and far who probably feel lost at times but don’t say a word. I will say it for them. We are grateful, loved, tired, and sometimes a little bit lost. It’s life and its nothing to be ashamed of admitting.
This past year I went through a high of almost nailing a life changing job (first time in yeeears!) and that didn’t pan out. Crushed. Then I experienced a miscarriage, crushed. I wasn’t depressed to where I couldn’t function to take care of the kids, but I went through weeks of just crying myself to sleep to randomly crying in a Starbucks drive-thru line. I never faulted and always had an “everything is fine” face when talking to therapists and teachers though. My mental state was crushed, but I had to be strong enough to function for the kids, especially since their busy schedules never stop.
Joe was/is gone going on a total of EIGHT months! Eight months of me solo parenting. Again, I am blessed and do not have to juggle working while raising the kids like single parents, but this was/is the longest amount of time I have been alone, juggling burn out, and all the things that come with adulting and being a homeowner.
I had to rearrange the garage because of termite damage, and I never want to do that again. If you are a homeowner, get preventative termite treatment, now. Then our chimney/fireplace had a leak, so fireplaces are a hard pass when it comes to our forever home – talk about nightmare. Then Sloan, our German Sheperd anxiety filled man pup messed up his teeth, so five-foot me had to drag him to the vet multiple times solo for like a good month; also, not fun lol.
Most recently, AJ went through a tough regression that lasted a good two months and my world felt like it had crashed. At this point, Joe was home for a bit, so I had him to confide in and help me out. Regression is never easy to see when it comes to anything, let alone your child who has made so much progress over the years. I am not someone who can make lighthearted Instagram posts in the middle of crisis or someone who posts about my sons hard times in real time. The last thing on my mind is writing or posting. Instead, I throw myself into investigation mode and try to come up with a plan to help AJ. Shoutout to those who helped me during this time <3.
I always teeter on that line of worry – am I overreacting? Is this a phase? Should I take him to the doctor for a full physical? No one wants their kid poked and prodded excessively, but for us it was the choice we made in the end.
AJ disregarded his AAC device, meltdowns were at minimum forty-five minutes each, sometimes multiple times a day. The tiniest thing would tip his scale. Sadly, it got to the point where Lucina expressed fear of her brother. I NEVER want to feel what I felt when she told us she feared AJ again. I would just cry every night trying to figure out what was causing AJ to be so overwhelmed. The behavior he was exhibiting was behavior we hadn’t seen since he was three years old. It was crushing.
After having enough of trying methods to help his anxiety and giving him more say in his day-to-day life, I made a doctor’s appointment. AJ was dealing with an ear infection. He couldn’t relay that, had no fevers, no ear drainage, nothing. Our poor boy was probably dealing with massive headaches and yea, he didn’t want to do a damn thing feeling that awful – who would? I don’t like taking him to the doctor much, but after this experience, I have learned to listen to his behaviors first, rather than feeling paranoid I may be overreacting and making unnecessary appointments.
I am still learning as we go, even all these years in. My advice, make those appointments and who cares if anyone thinks you are a crazy parent who overreacts. I don’t think there is such a thing as overreacting to your child’s health. I wish I would have had this clarity sooner for AJ’s sake. I still feel awful for not getting him a well check sooner.
Now he is back to himself and doing amazing. He is rocking touch point math, writing, and even vocalizing more words. Lucina is all things princesses, crafts, schoolwork and being a boss pants with a healthy touch of competitiveness.
I say all of this because my family consumes my life. They are my life. Reflecting on where I am today, I realized that losing that job opportunity threw me into a “who am I?” loop. I am a wife, a mom, a friend people seem to confide in, but I discovered I am also a little lost. I haven’t felt uncertain regarding who I am in a very long time. Or maybe all this time I have been, but the shuffle of life has kept me busy.
You know what’s funny? When I was in my teens I was never self-conscious or dealt with self-doubt. I was loud, just the right amount of petty around my people and had an obnoxious laugh that was accompanied by hitting the table. I haven’t laughed like that in a while. I am a planner, always have been. Now that I am older, I know that it’s my coping mechanism to deal with anxiety. That feeling of control. Don’t even get me started on the path it took me to realize and accept that I deal with anxiety haha.
My true love is psychology. I love everything about it and would go back in a heartbeat to tell my younger self not to change degrees. Silly me thought health care administration would secure a job, then we moved to towns that are big on inhouse hiring.
By the time I finished my degrees, AJ was in a tough phase of toddlerhood. I was juggling all these specialist visits, thrown into the world of Autism, therapy, the works. When he was three, he was settling roots into his personality and began to soar. I looked up jobs but then realized no schedule would accommodate me leaving early for AJ’s therapy, which was four days a week at that point.
We welcomed firecracker sis into our family when AJ was three and a half. When she was three months, I dipped my toes in the realtor world desperate to find something just for me. She was a harder baby than AJ, so I was not able to finish my course. When she started morning school at one, I started looking at jobs in the local hospital again, desperate to get back to my roots of passion. For those who don’t know, I went from schooling to be an RN, to a Child Life Specialist, to Psychology/health administration (what my two degrees are in). I have always felt at home doing anything in the medical field.
Her morning school (which she still attends and we love) is only three hours long, so finding a job to work with me having to pick her up and take her to a babysitter, plus leaving to take AJ to therapy is like a unicorn hunt. I realized becoming a paraprofessional or anything in the school system might be my best option regarding the kid’s schedule. When I was browsing this option, I realized that if I am going to work in the school, I want it to be something close to my roots, like a school psychologist or counselor – best of both my past and current worlds.
In the phase of life we are in now, I just can’t justify going back to school and getting into debt if I am not 100% certain I will be able to manage it. I am an excellent student, but ya girl already has a full plate and I solo parent 99% of the time. I don’t want to crash and burn even more and deal with that defeat, at least not right now.
Lucina is hopefully starting full day school next year, so fingers crossed I can dig deep and find something that is just for me. I am the type of person who feels bad if I am not doing something. I need to be contributing to the family in some way; I am not built to sit on the sofa and not do anything.
I even volunteered to be a member who helps writes minutes for the families associated with Joe’s job. Those who truly know me know that I am the most introverted person there is unless you are one of my people. All my people live in different states right now lol. So, yea I’ve been itching for some sort of direction all year.
I am the queen of “it is what it is, puts on a brave face and moves on.” This is a good and bad thing for me. I have never been one to sulk about things out of my control (outside of AJ’s diagnosis & the miscarriage), not even when my parents divorced. I was like “ok, that’s not my business, do whatever y’all feel is best.” Parents were shook lol. The bad thing about this is it leads to my burnouts, which I have spoken about before.
I guess that explains the reason for all this self-reflection. I will go and go, not address issues in the moment and then deal with the aftermath when I am burnt out. Pretty toxic, but at least I acknowledge it and know where to start.
After dealing with this past year, I have gotten better at setting boundaries to protect my peace. If I am dealing with crap, my priority is to tend to myself so I can be better for my children and not carry other people’s issues/weight. I really love that my family and friends confide in me, but I learned how to stop draining my cup to make everyone else feel better – especially when I don’t feel the best. Probably my greatest accomplishment this year.
Going forward, I hope that I can take everything life has thrown at me and grow with it. No, I am not working in the medical field or utilizing my degrees like I desperately wanted to, but I am learning to navigate a new life. We raise our kids on the foundation of never underestimating their competency or future independence. I want both of my kids to live independent adulthoods, but I do have a plan of action regarding AJ. I am not working in my desired field right now and feel iffy about that, but I know I am working on setting up a legacy for my kids.
The truth is, AJ will most likely have it tough in the working world. Our life (Joe and me) is sacrifice now and build the kids future. Ideally, I want to learn the ins and outs of creating something for AJ that he enjoys. A family business. If he loves shredding paper for his sensory input, heck, let me see what it takes to create a shredding business and pair with medical offices to shred their documents. Creating that streamline of income for him when he’s an adult and not have to worry about him not having funds or finding a “typical” job. This is just an example of course, but its where my head is at.
I want to work, I always have. I just need to manipulate the cards that may seem defeating towards my past ambitions and make them into gold for my kids; something this self-reflecting thing has showed me. I love advocating for my son and daughter, I truly do. Maybe future me can learn to laugh more, sulk less on the dreams of the past, and do the damn thing in creating a business or platform for my kid’s legacy.
This year sucked, but it taught me that hey, life is weird, but I will find a way to get out of it and make the best of it. Not in a day, but eventually. All the doors I sought after from my teens to my twenties shut in my face and I won’t lie, I cried acknowledging that and felt like a failure the other night. Truth is, they weren’t compatible with my family dynamic, as much as I wanted them to be, and at the end of the day, my family dynamic is the most precious thing to me.
It is a powerful thing to acknowledge situations that feel like failure and realize they weren’t meant to be. It was a hard pill for me to swallow, especially since I am wired that work and cash flow = a successful and fulfilled life. I know that isn’t always the case, but my upbringing wired me that way.
At 30, my goal is to create a table for my family and stop trying to make our life cards fit in areas that aren’t compatible; something I have been doing since AJ was born. Luckily, I have some pretty inspirational friends who have shown me it’s possible. Do I feel lost? More than usual lately. Self-reflection for me is the first step in acknowledging the good and bad and finally moving forward. That is what I want thirty and up to be. Moving forward.
You know that song A Million Dreams from The Greatest Showman? My kids and I listen to that song daily. That is my soundtrack to life right now. I have a million dreams ahead for my family and me.
I am thirty. I am moving forward. All I can do is hope I can be a good example to my kids and build them the sturdiest table to sit at and run long after I am gone.
– Suhay
RAISING OPPOSITES 