Today was Lucina’s Thanksgiving feast at her morning school. As you can tell by the title, we decided to take a ham. When we got to the school parking lot, Lucina saw a few of her classmates across the lot and screamed “Hi” and then said, “I brought a ham for you!” Her classmates screamed “Aww, thank you!” I laughed as I was trying to carry the ham in my arms and close the car door. I thought to myself what a cute moment that was to experience.
It was an authentic conversation between two little four-year-olds and Lucina was so excited to share a meal with friends and their family. Mind you, she only had ham, crackers, celery, and watermelon…oh! can’t forget the sweet Hawaiian rolls!
I was telling Joe that she did so good and has grown so much in a year, almost overnight it seems. I just couldn’t get her parking lot moment out of my head. It was a first for me. She is a social butterfly and AJ is more reserved and doesn’t care to socialize. I never got to experience him running up to friends to play or get to ease drop on parking lot convos.
It doesn’t bother me, but when we were new into learning Autism and all the ropes that AJ decided would lead our path of life, I was nervous, unsure, and sometimes sad. I don’t think that is a bad thing to say. I was learning his boundaries and adjusting my understanding of these societal norms that often come with holiday traditions.
Would the host be offended if I packed AJ his own lunch for Thanksgiving? Would they ask questions I don’t have answers to? Will there be eyes on him from other guests attending that don’t know us? See, I cared A LOT about this perception we are fed growing up.
Say hi, eat the food you are served, socialize, don’t be “rude.”
Insert a 22-year-old mom with son who went against the grain. I was hesitant to attend festivities because I wasn’t sure how to enter the room confident in what my family needed.
I look back and I think I needed that growth. Now I am very open and can care less about what the typical norm is for functions. We go, we try, we live. I always pack a lunchbox for AJ and don’t think twice. I am for the most part confident in what his boundaries are, and I respect them. I value them. I do not make my kids hug people. We will greet when we enter of course but I do not force socialization on my kids. Lucina is my butterfly, she loves it. Socializing is not something AJ cares for as a natural introvert.
In the past I was worried he would be looked at as “rude,” now I say hi on behalf of the family and immediately set up a safe space for AJ. For the most part, anywhere we go involves a close friend and they are generous with the spaces and allow AJ a room if that is what he wants.
When traveling or visiting family, I just give a heads up that we will be in town, please to do not bombard the kids when we enter. Most of the time its traveling 14 hours and the last thing they want is someone hugging them and in their face. Setting boundaries can seem harsh at first when you are trying to get societal norms out your head, but it has opened the door for the kids, especially AJ, to feel respected and able to open up on his own.
I think that is the most valuable take away. If your child does not care for socializing, don’t force them. Say your hellos of course, but have others know of their boundaries. When a child feels respected and protected, they will open up.
This holiday season don’t feel worried how your loved one may be perceived; that takes so much joy out of living. Trust me, I know. Pack the lunchbox, pack the special treasurers, and go out and give it a try. If a situation is tough, read the situation and learn for next time. Never force socializing for the sake of others this holiday season. Enjoy your family the way that fits your household and others will soon learn how y’all do things. Hey, maybe they will even learn a different view on things and incorporate it more often.
I have experienced the joy of having my daughter scream about ham in a parking lot, and I have experienced the joy of my son enjoying his boundaries and opening up a little at a time. Both are equally beautiful.
If you celebrate Thanksgiving, I hope that your festivities are filled with joy, yummy food, boundaries, and love.
-Suhay and family.
RAISING OPPOSITES 