Parental Fears

It’s the Friday right before a three day weekend, both kids are in school and I’m making me a cup of much needed coffee. I’m pumped for the weekend but cant shake this bad dream I had the night before.

In this dream AJ was about the age he is now, five, almost six. If you know him personally, you know he looks older than his age because of his height.

I was with a group of friends from high school and had AJ with me. We were all on a trip going to Universal and exiting one of those speed rails train things. To back track, the Suhay in this dream hadn’t really told anyone about AJ being autistic. I just wanted people to see him, not a diagnosis (still do). Anyway, AJ bolted off this speed rail thing and into the lobby.

I went right after him calling his name, nickname, anything that might get his attention. Of course, he was just excited so he didn’t pay any mind to anyone or thing while he was running, touching things and doing his happy squeals and jumps.

A lady (I’m assuming the lobby worker) screamed some horrendous things at him. In short, calling him out as a bad kid with no respect for others. Once I got to him I looked up at her and was like “You need to back off! He’s autistic and was just excited, he wasn’t hurting anyone!”

By this time, my friends caught up and it was the vibe of we know but she hasn’t told us and all eyes on us. While leaving the lobby, AJ managed to drop marbles. I remember being red cheeked and trying to pick them up while instructing AJ to help. All eyes were again on us. AJ was zoned not hearing a word, so I was trying as fast as I can to get out of there.

I woke up and was sad. This dream made me realize that even though I am well into our life with Autism, I am still fearful.

I am fearful of the day AJ is a young man twice my size. Will people judge him, yell at him, scoff at him if they see him stim or run with excitement? “He’s grown, what’s wrong with him?” That’s my fear. I don’t want him to ever experience being singled out or ridiculed because of who is his.

Then Joe made a point. The key phrase was “I don’t”…he was quick to point out that AJ is a soul that gives two craps about what people think. I as a parent need to drop that fear and just let him experience life without worrying about “what if’s.”

Joe was right. I can’t control what people will think about AJ or Lucina. I will always worry about them. I will worry if AJ is getting picked on at school and can’t tell me. If Lucina is picked on for being outspoken, smart or short like me.

I know worrying about the future is silly, but it’s a real thing every parent deals with. It’s hard not to in today’s world. The only thing we can do is teach our kids to be kind, loving, to defend themselves and others, and never scared to confide in us if there is a problem. That of course is easier said than done.

What’s your parental fear? If your kids are older, how did you get over worrying about the “what if’s?”

Until next blog ❤