A Loss

Disclaimer: Mention of pregnancy loss.

I’ve been contemplating sharing this because believe it or not, I’m actually a very private person when it comes to my family. What you see on social media are glimpses I deem okay to share and hopefully nothing too intrusive for the kids.

I spoke to Joe first and had this in the drafts. It’s more of a closure piece for myself that hopefully sheds light to others. You never ever know what someone is going through, even the friends who seem perfectly fine on social media.

When it comes to my marriage and our experiences together, I respect Joe’s stance on privacy – hence very little of him & our journey.

We have been through so much in our almost ten years of marriage. The disapproval in the beginning, his career requiring him to be gone a lot, living away from our home state, starting a family and navigating parenthood/therapies like deers in headlights. Okay, the deer in the headlight was me, Joe was annoyingly good when learning the parenting ropes.

Anyway, together we built our foundation. We have our cracks in it like any foundation does as it settles, but we are solid.

If you were to ask me a few months back, I would have said we have experienced almost every curveball. Well, we sadly joined the unwanted club of pregnancy loss.

I’m a planner. I have two personal planners and at least two calendars in my house with coordinating schedules. The same goes for my kid’s. Well, this third pregnancy was a surprise.

We actually laughed because we couldn’t believe it. I had Joe drive me to the clinic the same day because clearly I had defective tests haha.

After the shock settled, the reality & excitement kicked in. We even bought a baby swing on Black Friday. Y’all know I love a good deal.

Fast forward time. I woke up at four a.m. and knew something was wrong. After cleaning myself up, I went back to bed and laid down in fetal position crying. I know there is nothing one can do to stop a miscarriage, but I curled up in a ball with my legs together thinking maybe that would stop it. The things you do in certain situations.

As fate would have it, AJ was also awake during all of this. It’s almost like he sensed something. His wild four a.m. party of happy squeals and jumping helped keep me safe from my emotions for moments at a time. I’m grateful for that.

The following weekday, I called my doctor and was told to monitor myself. Unfortunately, I would have to wait until my appointment a few weeks later to confirm what I already knew.

The week consisted of me randomly sobbing the entire days. Feeling a sad gloom every time when going to the restroom. Joining the millions of women who feel defeated cleaning themselves up and being reminded of the loss their body did not accept. The feeling of disappointment. I was so sad. Just sad.

Joe did his best to help me with the kids and house so I could take breaks. Taking breaks just made more time to sulk but my body was tired. I was tired.

I really can’t say enough what a good man Joe is. I don’t know how he manages to help me while processing his own feelings.

The day eventually came when I was emotionally stable enough and made the trip to target to return the baby swing. Oh what a soul punch that was.

We took a loss as a couple that we never expected, but we still have our two living wild souls to be grateful for who need us. If it’s in the books for us to grow our family – planned or not, it will be.

To my friends and family who read this, know that it’s nothing personal for me not reaching out. Y’all know I’m a very “I’ll handle it on my own” person. The family and I are well and settled back down into our daily routines.

To the families who feel so sad during a loss – I pray the day comes when you feel emotionally stable. When you are able to look up and see the things that are still around and to not get stuck in grief.

To everyone else, I hope this encourages you to always be kind. To never judge someone’s actions, for you know not what they are feeling. I for one was totally the lady who gained weight from sadness and randomly cried while driving.

Let us all be kind this upcoming year and forgiving to ourselves. This year was tough, but we are resilient. Find your closure, honor your loss with respect, and let’s lift our heads to a fresh and blessed new year.

💜 Suhay